An Adventure in Romance - Loving and Losing Successfully

"Is she my Twin Soul? Or an Angel sent by my Twin Soul to prepare me for our reunion. Will it happen in this lifetime? Or the next?

I don't get to know right now. I just know that I have to Let Go. And Let Go - and Let Go again.

I told her goodbye. I told her that I could not be in her life anymore as long as she was running from her issues and punishing me as a symbol for all of the sins of unkind men.

And now I cry every day.

The pain is primal - cellular. The sobs come from someplace so deep as to be ancient. I can't write a line without sobs bursting forth from my heart chakra - such an old wound, such a deep trauma.

But is it about the woman I have just told goodbye or has that woman touched off the old grief for "Her" - Is she Her??

More will be revealed. I just have to Let Go and Let Go and Let Go some more.

And I cry every day - and the Joy is right behind the pain because I have never felt SO CLOSE TO HOME!!!" {Play}

I have just gone through an adventure in Love. A expedition into the realm of Romantic Relationship. It turned into an experience of Love and Joy so exquisite and sublime that my life has been changed forever. I have Loved and been Loved - and on the wings of that Love have soared to elevations of vibrational consciousness that approached (as near as I have ever been) the level of the kingdom of Heaven within - and I have (seemingly) lost the person that I Love without losing access to those heights of consciousness. A "Miracle" is far too small a word for what I have experienced. "Grateful" is but a drop of water in an ocean of what I feel for the incredible, amazing gift which I have been given - and have, I am extremely thankful, been courageously working on my healing long enough to be open to receive.

There are a multitude of levels to this tale of Romantic Love - some involving lifetimes tens of thousands of years apart, some containing lifetimes of experience in only a few hours of two souls excruciatingly touching with Love. The version shared here is but a limited, linear perspective of an outline of the events as they unfolded.

It is a tale of how my greatest fear came true but my response to it took me to a place of Joy and Love that is sublimely, exquisitely, magical and mystical - and Amazingly miraculous. ~ Robert Burney

"What I have found is that in many instances even though the levels that I can see, that I am conscious of, are mostly dysfunctional - arising out of the false beliefs and fears of the disease of Codependence - on deeper levels there are "right on" reasons for behaviors for which I was judging myself. . . . .

. . . As another, more universal example, when I started to learn about Codependence, I used to really beat myself up because I found that I was still looking for "her," even though I had learned about some of the dysfunctional levels of that longing.

I had learned that as long as I thought that I needed someone else to make me happy and whole I was setting myself up to be a victim. I had learned that I was not a frog who needed a princess to kiss me in order to turn into a prince - that I am a prince already, and just need to learn to accept that state of Grace, that princeness.

I had come to understand that those levels of my longing were dysfunctional and Codependent - and I judged and shamed myself because I could not let go of the longing for "her."

But as my awakening progressed I realized that there were "right on" reasons for that longing, for that "endless aching need" that I felt.

One of those "right on" levels was that the longing was a message concerning my very real need to attain some balance between the masculine and feminine energy within me - which begets dysfunctional behavior when it is projected, focused, outward as I had been taught to do in childhood.

And on a much deeper level I came to understand that I am - and have been, ever since polarization - looking for my twin soul."

Quote from Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls

The Great Quest

Once upon a time there was a Prince who was on a great quest. He was seeking to find the Greatest Treasure Ever Known. He knew that through finding this magnificent treasure he would be able to once again be united with his other half, with his Twin Soul - with the Princess whom he had been aching for forever - and they would get to go Home.

For many years he had mistakenly believed that he had to find his Twin Soul in order to find this treasure. Through the intervention of the Universal Force he was able to discover the Magical Secret Powers contained in the Principles of the Twelve Step Recovery Kingdom. Using the power of those Principles he was able to start the healing of his heart, mind, and soul that was necessary for him to start in the right direction to find his True Path.

He showed great courage and faith in his willingness to travel into the abyss of terrifying darkness that is the Realm of Repressed Emotional Demons and Subconscious Monsters {sometimes called the Province of Grave Emotional & Mental Disorders or the Kingdom of Codependency.}

Because of his willingness to face the terror of his own inner grief and rage he was able to heal his wounded soul enough to get more clearly in touch with his Soul.

And it came to pass that this Prince was given an assignment to go forth and teach others the Magic Powers of the Twelve Step Principles. It was revealed to him that his quest would be successful if he dedicated his life to Spiritual Service in the name of the Greatest Treasure Ever Known. Through this Spiritual Service he would serve himself by healing the Karma of Ancient Times to facilitate progress on his Sacred Journey of returning Home to the Greatest Treasure Ever Known.

This heroic chronicle has many chapters which will be related at another place and time. The story told here is only one short chapter - but one of the most vital passages of this Sacred Journey. This is the Initiation into an inner sanctuary of the Greatest Treasure Ever Known which can only be accomplished by confronting and defeating that ferociously monstrous beast known as The Terror of Intimacy.

And of course, you have already guessed that the Greatest Treasure Ever Known is Love.

This is a chapter in the story of the Sacred Journey of this Prince in his quest to go Home to Love - and to be reunited his Twin Soul. {Play}


Last summer (98), three slight but ultimately - in hindsight - very significant insights were reveled which led to shifts in my relationship with my self that manifested recently.

1. I got in touch (in a CoDA meeting I think) with the fact that I was totally shut down to the romantic in me. Like all of the inner child places and archetypes within me - I had spent most of my life reacting to the romantic within me by swinging to extremes. I would let my "endless, aching need" to find "her" lead me to casting the "wrong" person in the part of the princess in my romantic fairy tale - and then when I got really hurt by allowing the romantic to be in control - I would shut down to it completely. I would throw the romantic me into an inner dungeon and throw away the key - until some time years later when I would repeat the pattern by letting the romantic take over again.

It made me sad to realize that I had left the romantic locked away for quite awhile again. The romantic within me is one of my favorite parts of me. The idealist and dreamer - creative and spontaneous and very Loving. I decided that I would start opening up to letting the romantic out on parole to see if it was possible to be open to doing a relationship in balance.

I heard myself saying to people:

that hurt was inevitable and should be accepted as part of the path;
that it was better to Love and lose then to never to take the risk of Loving;
that the only way to really learn how to do a relationship was in one;
that relationships that didn't work out were lessons - not mistakes, not a "wrong" choice;

and other such Truths - and realized that once more I was teaching what I needed most to learn. Theoretically I knew these things to be True - but on an emotional level I was absolutely terrified of intimacy because I didn't trust myself to make good choices.

I could see clearly that though I said I was trying to heal my relationship phobia - I had been basically unavailable for relationship for over 5 years since a 2 year living together relationship ended. About 4 years ago I had a short fling with a really good woman who I wasn't emotionally mature enough to appreciate (it is of course possible to be very wise, competent, and mature in many areas and completely immature in others - intimate relationships being the foremost area of immaturity for many of us). And then had two "dating" relationships with women who weren't even a remote possibility to be "her." The last "dating" situation was like a manifestation of my disease - with me attempting to rescue the most wounded, negative part of me as manifested in a very wounded woman. That one scared me so much that I shut down to any possibility of a relationship and put up my force shield that gives off those "stay away vibes" - for almost 2 years by last summer.

So, when I had the insight about the romantic within me, I started considering the possibility that maybe I might do a relationship again one of these days - possibly. (Change starts with surrendering to being open to considering the possibility.)

2. In doing my daily prayers and affirmations (which I don't always do daily by the way) I was led to add a phrase to one of my affirmations. It changed from "I am a magnificent Spiritual Being full of Light and Love. I am radiantly beautiful and vibrantly healthy" to "radiantly beautiful, vibrantly healthy, and Joyously Alive." Six months later, I am more Joyously Alive than I had ever imagined possible - affirmations work folks.

3. In another part of my affirmations, a slip of my tongue (I always pay attention to those "Freudian" slips) caused me to mention my twin soul in an affirmation about how "emotional support, friendship, and Love are manifesting in my life easily and effortlessly, freely and abundantly." I thought, oh that is interesting, and then let it go because I had completely let go of the possibility that I would be united with my twin soul in this lifetime. Then the next week the same slip occurred again. So I added it to my affirmation and started making room in my consciousness for the possibility.

The next part of the process was that the Universe, through the late summer and fall put me in numerous situations where I got to see how good I had gotten at setting boundaries, speaking my Truth, and just generally taking care of myself. Since I know that my Spiritual growth process is why I am here and the absolute number 1 priority in my life, I pay attention to all of the "accidents" and "coincidences." Everything that happens in my life is part of my growth process. I take note of it and then file it away to be recalled when the next little bit of the puzzle is revealed. I was aware that I was gaining more confidence and trust in myself - and that there was a reason that this was happening. I wasn't particularly thinking of the relationship thing - I knew it was a possibility, but I have learned to head in the direction that the Universe points me while also letting go of trying to figure out where I am going to end up. The outcome is what I am powerless over - I have the power to take action in a direction / to plant some seeds but then I need to surrender to the Universe being in charge. Oh, I will water and weed and tend to the seeds every once in a while but it is important that I not get too focused on any future stuff because then I will miss some of today.

So, I was focusing on being present today and taking note of the accidents and coincidences that were unfolding without having a clue about the Amazing, Magnificent, Miraculous, Magical, Fiery Eruption of Joy & Love & Dazzling Light that was about to change my life forever. {Play}

The Amazing, Magnificent, Miraculous, Magical, Fiery Eruption of Joy & Love & Dazzling Light
A letter to an old friend in Taos, New Mexico who I had not been in touch with in several years.

Dear _____, Since you have not been online and don't get the Newsletters for my web site or the e-mail bulletins I send out to certain friends, I guess the best way to bring you up to date on what has been happening in my life is to share some of the things I have written with a little commentary in between quoting myself. It will give me an opportunity to process it through once again.

I have recently had a glorious, amazing adventure in relationship.

On December 7th I sent out an e-mail to certain friends - I sometimes send out messages that either Proclaim my Joy in the moment (to overcome the old tape that says if I tell anyone it will screw things up / God will get me for being too happy) or when I have come to a new insight (ie when I realized that deep, deep down I had a old tape that said that money would corrupt me) and want to counteract the old tape with an affirmation to the Universe through my friends. So, anyway this is what I sent out on the 7th.

[I am using some different colors and indentation to hopefully make it a little easier to follow: quotes from my e-mails quotes from my newsletter: and indenting a quote from an article I wrote while I was learning from this adventure and one from a mailing I did. I have made a few slight changes to these quotes and inserted some (explanations) to shorten the quotes so that they make sense without having to quote whole other sections.]

"I just replied to an e-mail from a friend and then got the hit that I should share the message that I sent with other friends. As in the past, when I have shared gratitude, grief, feelings of deprivation with certain friends via e-mail as away of honoring, thanking, requesting, affirming, and generally communicating with the Universe by sharing with those I feel close to - I am here today proclaiming my incredible GRATITUDE for the Twelve Step Principles and Recovery Program and utter AMAZEMENT for how Wonderful, Exciting, and Glorious this Life Adventure is on my Spiritual Path.


Here is my message:

Nothing much happening here.

Things have been very busy - in a really wonderful, fulfilling away. If you read my newsletter you know that I have reached a really wonderful new plateau of being free to be Happy and Joyous today no matter what is happening on the outside. And as I also said in my newsletter - this too shall pass into something different.

Well, it passed and now things just got more busy, complicated, and simple because I have gotten involved in a relationship - pretty amazingly wonderful. Certainly is screwing up my intimate relationship with my computer - am now taking time for long walks on the beach, and talks and such. I think perhaps I may be in the process of getting a real life here!

My friends I am very Happy, Excited, and Ecstatically Joyous to let you know that I am in Love (and like, and lust, and respect, and Spiritual connection with) and so is my new Magnificently Powerful Friend ____ (with me even!) - AMAZING - the absolutely perfect woman for me right now has appeared and is maybe even the one I have been dreaming of my whole life. (That future stuff is none of my business right now - it falls into the More Will Be Revealed category)


On a Saturday (November 7th) I replied by e-mail to a good friend who is getting married on New Years Eve - that given my recent history the chances of me having a date for the wedding were almost nil but that I did believe in miracles. The next day I went to a Metaphysical church that I was going to be speaking at, and met and spoke for a few moments to the incredibly talented, wonderfully intelligent, very beautiful woman who sang during the service - the following day I told my friend I would be having a date for the wedding."

Interestingly enough, after telling my friend that I would have a date for the wedding - I let it go. At the service I had to struggle to keep my eyes off of this woman - not in the sense of just staring at a beautiful woman, but in the sense of being surprised that she was there. "Where did she come from?" "Who is she?" "What is she doing here?" I kept looking at her trying to remember who she was - although I knew that I had never seen her before. She kept looking at me, also in the same kind of way (I observed this at the time and she confirmed it later.) We spoke briefly after the service as she asked me what music I would like for the Sunday in two weeks in which I would be doing the service. She also included me in an invitation to go hear some music that afternoon with some other people from the church. I declined because I had work to do on my web site and because it wasn't time to be with her yet - this last part is something I just got aware of as I am writing this. I had that feeling at the time - but didn't understand it and forgot it almost immediately.

I spoke to her on the phone later that week about the music - and then the following week when I asked her if she would like to get a cup of coffee or something and spend some time together. We set a "date" for Saturday night - I was specifically not going to mention the word date to her in order to not scare her off - she said something about not having a date for some months and then I did ask her specifically for a "date." I ended up canceling our date for Saturday night and rescheduling it for Sunday after the service that I was doing at the church. I had to postpone to get my Newsletter finished and sent off before I left on that Monday to spend Thanksgiving week in Phoenix. I sent my Newsletter off early in the morning of November 22nd - later that afternoon, we had our first date.

In my Newsletter I said:

". . . The next major change is that I have put a link to my question and answer pages on my Home Page for the first time. When I first started doing the question and answer pages a few months ago I only gave the address out to you all on my mailing list. I was a little leery about making them available to the general public for several reasons:

1. I talk about some pretty controversial stuff from a perspective that can be upsetting to some people. I was working on the page about Jesus and Mary Magdalene at that time and was not sure I wanted to put it out there for everyone to see. As it turns out I am very proud of that page - I personally think it is quite Masterful - and I feel sorry for anyone who reads it with such a closed mind or rigid belief system that they would feel the need to react negatively. Also, though in the past I have found myself showing great resistance to being out there in front as a target - I have now come to such a level of acceptance that it would even be ok if they burned me at the stake again - I want all of the Karma settled, whatever that takes.

2. I have been scared to death that my book editor Heidi, who lives in New Mexico, would discover them and what she would do would probably be worse than burning at the stake. (Because in my newsletters and Q & A pages I was being quite casual about things like grammar and punctuation.)

So now I have so much courage and faith that I am not only willing to face the angry mob again - but also to face Heidi if I have to. The index page for the question and answer pages is now out there for the world to see - so More Will Be Revealed. . . {Play}

Happy, Joyous, & Free

Which brings me to what I wanted to talk about. I am so incredibly grateful for this path I am on. The miracle of the Twelve Step Recovery Program Spiritual Principles first saved my life when I was trying to kill myself - then saved my life again when my Codependence was close to killing me. My Codependence Recovery then turned living from something which was miserable and unbearable for me into a Glorious Exciting Adventure. I am so glad to be alive today - and have a life work that I passionately believe in, Love doing, and which brings me great Joy. I am not sure how I am going to pay my rent next month, haven't had anything close to a Love relationship for several years, and have some health problems - but those don't matter today. I am free to be Happy and Joyous in the moment for the majority of the moments of every day.

What I can see now is that my response to my car breaking down last month (Newsletter 10-25-98) broke me through to a whole new dimension of existence. I have for years had a bumper sticker on my car that says Happy Joyous and Free - and I have had increasing tastes of what that means over the years - but now I am Truly living in a space where that is my reality most of the time. I am Free to be Happy and Joyous in the moment most of the time because I am also free to be angry or sad or scared or hurt in the moment. I am Free because I have let go of the "What ifs" and "If onlys" which are just my disease wanting me to feel deprived and victimized. I am Free because I know in my heart and in my gut that I am Unconditionally Loved and I don't have to earn it. I am Free because I know the future is not in my control - and I know that I am doing all of the seed planting and footwork that the Universe is prompting me to do. I am Free to relax and enjoy life because the Spirit is guiding me.

Years ago I ran across a saying that I really liked and wanted to set as a goal - "Serenity is not Freedom from the Storm - Serenity is Peace Amidst the Storm." I had always thought that I had to stop the storm. Now I can be serene and peaceful no matter what the storm brings - life events like car breakdowns, other peoples behavior which is just them dancing with their own wounds, apparent financial insecurity, that I am still doing some unhealthy behavior health wise, whatever - I don't have to be perfect, I don't have to have money, I don't have to be in a relationship, to be happy. I am Truly Free in this moment and in most of the moments of my life for these past weeks - this too will pass into something different at some point, but I know that once I have attained a new level, I will return to it often. There is still going to be pain and fear and anger and hurt sometimes (a part of me just got real scared because the last time I felt something close to this good for a long period of time I got into a relationship - which was wonderful and very, very painful and a incredible gift package full of opportunities for growth - I guess if I can face burning at the stake and Heidi that I must be ready to deal with the old fear of intimacy issues again.) Oh well, the adventure continues and keeps getting different. I LOVE IT SO MUCH!!!

I guess it is pretty weird to be processing here on my computer and then sending it out for the world to read - but that is what I do. The Truth is so powerful and wonderful and by doing the process work we get to start being allies with the Spirit where Love lives instead of with the disease where fear rules. Fuck the fear I say - full speed ahead in the direction of Love.

I am doing the service at a Metaphysical New Thought church tomorrow and my topic is going to be Happy Joyous and Free."

So, when the thought of getting involved in a romantic relationship hit me in the paragraph above - it seemed to come out of the blue. I wasn't at that point thinking of the "date" the next day or having a date for the wedding in 6 weeks - I was just processing.

We had our date the next day and I could see that though we came from very different backgrounds and had different types of Spiritual Paths, we were both very dedicated to our Paths and might have some Karmic business together. I left on my trip with an awareness that she and I might be getting involved in a relationship - and that it could be a very important powerful connection or it might be a painful lesson/opportunity for growth that could be preparation for a relationship to come. I sent her a card when I got to Phoenix and called her on Thanksgiving - she was waiting for my call. When I got back to Morro Bay is when the Adventure kicked into high gear.

Back to the e-mail of December 7th:

I have of course been led to do a ton of work in recent months to open up to receiving Love, success, abundance, etc. - and to Loving myself even though I am overweight, still smoking, and pretty financially poor. And once I reached the place where I could be happy and Joyous in the moment today despite all of those things - this new plateau of acceptance and letting go of all of my dreams and hopes and fantasies - then of course, they started to pour in (well the money isn't exactly pouring in yet but that will come soon). This new plateau is another paradigm shift that changes my relationship with everything again, and also involves reaching a deeper level of emotional honesty which will peal away another level of denial and expose some more of the deep core level grief to be released/terror of intimacy to be healed - more tears coming up - but there is so much more Joy now than pain.


So like I say - Nothing much happening here - What's with you. Robert

Boy, reading that now - I had no idea. The part about "This new plateau . . . so much more Joy now than pain." - I didn't have a clue as to how much Joy was possible then - I was just entering a whole new world, a dimension of existence that I did not know was possible. And I also had no idea of relatively how little power the core level grief had in my life anymore.

Then on January 1 1999 I sent out the following follow up e-mail:

"To my friends in cyberspace,

On December 7 th I sent an e-mail to you proclaiming my Joy and Gratitude at the way my path was unfolding.

I am sending this message today, New Years Day 1999, to let you know that the Joy, Love, and gratitude that I was feeling that day now seems almost primitive compared to the levels I have accessed since then. Here is what I wrote in my snail mail mailing that I am sending out here in California.

"1998 has been a very interesting year for me. Lots of opportunities for growth and learning. Lots of chances to practice acceptance, patience, faith and all those other wonderful Spiritual Principles that have made it possible for me to have Peace and Joy in my life no matter what was happening on the outside. Early summer was especially painful as what seemed to be an opportunity to publish my next books evaporated in a slow painful way - but gave lots of opportunity to practice Letting Go. I moved back to the Central Coast (Morro Bay) in early fall and am very happy I did as this area feels much more like home to me. I am still going to Santa Barbara once a week to see clients - but am not sure at this point if that is going to be financially viable for much longer.

The past few months have seen some Truly amazing and wondrous changes in my life. In November I was feeling very blessed with the level of freedom I had attained to feel happy, Joyous, & peaceful in the moment no matter what the outer conditions. In December, years of work came to critical mass and I made a leap into hyperspace that opened my heart in a Truly amazing way. A paradigm shift occurred in my relationship with being in body on this physical plane that has unleashed an incredible flow of energy - either that or I am having a psychotic break. Whatever is happening, I LOVE being so ALIVE. 1999 is going to be an incredible, Magical, Joyfilled year. Catch me while you can - my life has just started soaring."

There are not words to express to you how incredible and amazing the process is that I experienced in this last month. I am passionately ALIVE in a way that I could never have imagined. And I am not involved in the romantic relationship that I thought was developing on December 7th. The woman who I stated in that e-mail might be my dream woman, my twin soul - maybe is not.

The way things unfolded was that she got scared that maybe she was repeating an old pattern and decided she needed to pull back. So now we are friends and may never be anything 'else' than that - (I first wrote 'more than that' and needed to change it because that seemed somehow to diminish the value of friendship as if there were something wrong with it not being 'more' - probably has to do with old tapes / dysfunctional cultural standards.) It is a really wonderful magical emotionally intimate relationship that I have gotten the gift of learning some absolutely magnificent lessons from - about letting go of what I wanted it to be for one thing.

There have been quite a few absolutely magnificent lessons that I have learned because of my interaction with this amazing being who I have been blessed to have come into my life as an angel and teacher and buddy - but probably the most important one has to do with Love - since Love and learning the True meaning of Love, is really what the path is all about.

I had the honor of being asked to write something to speak at a wedding yesterday (New Years Eve) which of course was a perfect part of my Spiritual adventure - this incredibly intricate and magnificent plan / process that is unfolding.

I got to speak there, in what I wrote, about the new level of understanding - gut level understanding instead of just theoretical - that my amazing friend has helped me to experience. Here are a few short excerpts from that wedding prayer that I wrote with the parts I am specifically referring to here in bold.

(I think that this wedding prayer may be one of the most beautiful things I have ever written - I am very pleased with it.)

"You are together because you resonate on the same wave lengths, you fit together vibrationally, in such a way that together you form a powerful energy field that helps both of you access the Higher Vibrational Energy of Love, Joy, Light, and Truth - in a way that would be very difficult for either one of you to do by yourself. You are coming together to touch the face of God. You are uniting your energies to help you access the Love of the Holy Mother Source Energy.

You are not the source of each other's Love. You are helping each other to access the LOVE that is the Source.

The Love that you see when you see your soul in the others eyes is a reflection of the LOVE that you are. Of the Unconditional Love that the Great Spirit feels for you.

It is very important to remember that the other person is helping you to access God's LOVE within you - not giving you something that you have never had before."

"The Abundance of Love and Joy that you can help each other to feel by coming together - are vibrational levels that you then each will be able to access within yourself. You are helping each other to remember how to access that Love - helping each other to remember what it feels like and that Yes you do deserve it.

It is very important to remember that so that you can Let Go. Let Go of believing that the other person has to be in your life . . . ."

"The more you do your healing and follow your Spiritual path the more moments of each day you will have the choice to Truly be present in the moment.

And in the moment you can make a choice to embrace and feel the Joy fully and completely and with Gusto.

In any specific moment you will have the power to make a choice to feel the Love in that moment as if you have never been hurt and as if the Love will never go away.

Completely absolutely unconditionally with fearless abandon you can embrace the Love and Joy in the moment.

Glory in it!"

I now - in my moment to moment daily life - "can embrace the Love and Joy in the moment" for the majority of the moments that I am awake during the day. Of course, one of the reasons that is possible is that I am keeping my inner channel clear by releasing the grief, pain, fear, and anger as soon as I become aware of it - I am getting to do some deep grief work every day. This relationship is gouging all of my deepest wounds of abandonment, not being lovable/good enough, etc. - and amazingly they have hardly any power anymore. I am able to communicate to and nurture my inner child wounds and deal with the shame, insecurity, terror, heart-break, etc. attacks almost immediately - or at least within a matter of hours. The freedom that I am experiencing from the old wounds is at a level that I had never imagined possible.

So I think you can see why I am so grateful for this amazingly wise and wonderful woman being who has come into my life to help me reach these new levels.

Of course that amazingly wise and wonderful woman is also very wounded . As with all of us, her relationship with herself is shattered and fractured. She has an amazing, powerful wise woman teacher within her who has taught me so much. She has a wild wolf woman in her that would howl and dance naked in the full moon if she hadn't been so wounded by the Catholic Church and all the other physical/sexual imbalance of this sexist, sexually abusive, patriarchal society. She has a wondrous Loving heart with so much to give - and I got to experience how sublime it can feel to Truly feel Loved by her for a short time - but she also has the Romantic in her who has caused her to be wounded greatly and when she got scared she threw that Romantic into an inner dungeon and slammed the vault closed on her heart. I think it was the physical connection that really terrified her. It was excruciating, exquisite ecstasy to touch each other and when this musician affirmed to me that I was playing her body like a musical instrument it really set off her alarms.

All her fears about losing herself in a relationship surfaced. Her fear:

of being a victim of the Romantic yearning within her - 'I don't believe that stuff anymore';

of the power of the animal sensuality that would be unleashed because of her own sexual deprivation due to the relationship phobia that had kept her isolated most of her life;

really terror, of being emotionally needy and vulnerable - growing up in her family being vulnerable was not a safe place to be so she got tough; <

her absolute lack of any permission to be dependent on, or ask for help from, anyone, anytime;

of a man who could cry and be emotionally vulnerable with her, who allowed her to be afraid and was willing to listen as she talked her way through it;

of a man who maybe was too nice, too Loving, too vulnerable, too happy to be with her;

of her fear of being smothered and taken hostage.

So the part of her that has been her defender came out. The raging counterdependent who set boundaries with a harshness bordering on cruelty. The Loving friend disappeared and was replaced by someone who was always on guard, always defensive.

Here is something that I wrote on January 24, 1999 the day after I saw her last:

It looks like my friendship with what I originally thought was my twin soul may be over. I have had to set a boundary and remove myself from her life. She was stuck feeling like a victim of her issues with men and victimizing me out of her fear and hurt - so I got to tell her that I deserved to be treated better than that and that until she was ready to work through instead of run away from the issues I was exiting. Sad really - also really good that I am so clear now that I deserve better and will not allow such treatment. Very big deal for me to not sacrifice myself in the now for the potential of the future - doesn't work to hang on to the dream when reality is not working.

So I am feeling very sad about her being out of my life - but feeling great Joy about all the wonderful gifts I received from knowing her. This was the first time that I have entered into a relationship - and exited also - without my self-esteem being involved. What freedom!!! I knew who I was going in and the events that unfolded only made me stronger and better - there was never any threat to me, to my self worth - really cool. This is truly a new and different way to do relationship - I might even try it again sometime soon.

We opened our hearts to each other and had a magnificent connection - then she got scared and started running away - but I didn't have to close my heart down because of her leaving. It was obvious to the people at the workshops I just did the new heart level that I am at - several had been to 3 or 4 of my workshops before and they kept going for the Kleenex because my openness and vulnerability was touching them so deeply. I am very grateful for this person and the experience of Love that I had with her - it was an incredible opportunity for growth. It is also very sad and I cry every day for the loss of that connection. I see this incredibly powerful wise woman that she is - unfortunately she can't own that because she is in her disease reacting to fear, right and wrong thinking ('maybe it was a mistake!!!' - such bull shit), guilt and shame, pain from old wounds, and really just a terror of making another mistake - instead of accepting that it is all perfect and being able to let go completely in the moment.

And of course it was a perfect part of her process that she did what she thought she needed to to take care of herself, to "not lose herself." And it was perfect for my process that she pulled away - if she had not I would never have experienced that it was possible to retain the level of Love even when my worst fear came true and she did go away.

I learned so much from my interaction with her - the "relationship" as in romantic part of it basically lasted about 2 weeks from the first time she told me she Loved me (10 days from 1st passionate kiss to last passionate kiss - no actually sex per se, but much of what felt to me like making Love [making Love, to me, not being about a destination but rather about the quality of the Touching]) - and that 2 weeks was the most incredible, most successful, most wonderful relationship of my life. I felt more Love & Loved in those 2 weeks than in the entire first 50 years of my life.

So, there is pain but there is much more Joy and gratitude. It Truly is a completely different experience to have a relationship where my self-worth is not at risk - that is the pay off for the Spiritual belief system that says we can't screw it up and there is no shame - if my self-worth is not at risk then another person can only add to me, they have no power to diminish me. What a gift.

Now, I need to just go on with my life and if she decides to open up to me then she will call. It is pretty strange because the Universe actually lead me to do a couple of things (a visit and phone call) that I am sure appeared to her to be her fears about me needing her too much coming true. It is so ironic and sad too - but at the time in my life when I am the most free and healthy - when I am being less codependent than I even knew it was possible to be in a relationship - she thinks I am giving her too much power. Never have I been so clear that I don't need someone in my life - though I sure want her to be a part of my life. Never have I felt so strong and powerful and centered in myself - and what she thinks she sees is someone who might be too dependent and needy, clingy, which is a reflection of the part of herself that she is most terrified of surrendering to owning. She loves and hates that I can be vulnerable - and she is too terrified to surrender to being vulnerable now because she doesn't trust herself.

So I get to Let Go, and Let Go and Let Go again.

I wrote e-mail to a friend a few days ago;

What is so infuriating about this disease of codependence is that it is so insidious and powerful and it folds back in on us. When we discover we have a pattern then we want to avoid that pattern at all costs - but in effect we are letting the disease rule us because we are reacting to our reaction. As long as we are reacting - and trying to figure out what is right and wrong - we are in the disease. It is the fear once removed that is paralyzing - the fear of being hurt, the fear of how afraid we feel, the fear of our anger, etc.

What is frustrating with my friend is that when she was trusting her gut she opened her heart to me - when she got into her head is when she started giving all the power to the fear, and started reacting out of fear of her reactions to old wounds. She is terrified of making a mistake, doing it wrong, etc - which is the disease at work. There are no mistakes only lessons - which are painful but not that painful if we are not judging and shaming ourselves.

What makes lessons so painful is the shame the disease lays on us - in other words - the disease creates all of this fear about getting hurt until we are terrified of being hurt - but what is so painful about being hurt is the shame that the disease beats us up with after we get hurt.

The hurt itself passes - the shame and judgment the disease abuses us with is what is so painful.

In the situation you describe it sounds as if your gut was telling you "no" all along and you let your head talk you into it - which is the disease at work. Our intuition/gut/heart tells us the Truth - it's our head that screws things up.

I understand perfectly why my friend is in reaction the way she is - I am just very sad that it means she can't be in my life. She and I both come from a place of having so much terror of intimacy that we were relationship phobic - sometimes what is necessary for someone with a relationship phobia is to jump right in, that may be the only way past the fear.

I am happy to say that I don't have a relationship phobia anymore - I welcome another chance to explore a relationship now that I know that my worst fear can come true and it can make me stronger and better and happier. The reason for that is that I did not give power to the shame - what a miracle! What a gift! I am so grateful ."

So, now it has been over a month since I have seen her and it hurts.

The hurt has actually been present more of the time the last couple of weeks than it was before. I believe this has to do with healing that is taking place on subconscious and superconscious (having to do with the accelerated process and Karmic settlement) levels that are causing me discomfort but don't have a clearly identifiable cause.

I know that much of it has to do with letting go of the dream of having a partner - of not having to walk the path alone anymore. I know some of it has to do with my Twin Soul and some of it has to do with my recent friend - and I don't know if they are one and the same. She - my recent friend - is the type of counterdependent who can kill people off in her mind and move on with hardly a glance back (at least they can practice that level of denial until they are so full of pain it doesn't work anymore.) So, if we are not Twin Souls - or have some other powerful Karmic connection - then she has probably been successful in blocking me out of her mind. If however we do have some strong connection that requires us to be together than she must be pretty miserable. More will be revealed.

I will be seeing her in a week or so - and that will be an interesting adventure - or not. But this chapter needs to be brought to a close. If there is to be another chapter, it will be in a different way - from a wiser perspective on my part. This chapter was a marvelous, wonderful adventure which unfolded perfectly and taught me so much. I am very grateful - but I will do the next chapter differently.

I have learned:

That when I know who I am and have my self-esteem rooted in my Spiritual connection then I have nothing to fear from intimacy. I can be hurt for certain because I will be choosing to give some power away over my feelings - but hurt is part of life and well worth the adventure of Loving and Losing.

That it is Truly possible to do enough healing to be able to open my heart to someone and then not take it personally when the other person "rejects" me - because I Truly know in my gut that she is just reacting to her wounds not to some inherent flaw in my being.

That I can have my worst fear of abandonment and rejection appear to come true and not give it any power because I do not have to buy into the disease telling me that it is my fault - that I did something/said something/am something that is wrong/a loser/a mistake/unlovable/unworthy. This is such a gift - to know that I can keep the critical parent shut up and out of the game is Truly an Amazing Miraculous reward for being willing to do my healing.

So, my friend, you can see that it has been an exciting time for me. And there is more excitement to come. I was at a place where I had given up on having a relationship in this lifetime. I had truly accepted that I could be happy and fulfilled without it. Now I have been pointed in another direction. The Universe has shown me that taking the risk is very much worth while. I have seen how little power the shame has in my process any more and I rejoice in the gift of having been willing to do my healing. There are new horizons to explore and new dimensions to experience. I am so very grateful to be so passionately ALIVE. I am going to be exploring more of the issues around my Twin Soul and the Karma that remains to be settled there - especially around the Atlantis lifetime that I will be talking about in my Trilogy books - but that is another chapter. I will just end this chapter with a goodbye to her:

I am very grateful to God/Goddess/Great Spirit - to The Holy Mother Source Energy for the gift of having this Amazing Women Being come into my life and I wish for her all blessings and the Highest possible good - Love Joy prosperity success happiness - may all of her dreams come true - and in the process may she find out what an Amazing Being she Truly is.

I release you, my Love, with a Great and Tender Love - May we meet again at the "River where the Son comes down".

and for me I will repeat and reaffirm the words that I was moved to write months ago:



Fuck the fear - full speed ahead in the direction of Love!

Viya con Dios my friend,


"In any specific moment you will have the power to make a choice to feel the Love in that moment as if you have never been hurt and as if the Love will never go away." - Wedding Prayer/Meditation on Romantic Commitment